


If Only It Was Me...

by TurquoiseWAR



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: And I know it sucks, Depression, Ghost Connor, Heavy Angst, No Ending, Original Character Death(s), Regret, SO, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Yep more sadness, this is really random, too much angst, yeah - Freeform, yet - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 01:42:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11220624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TurquoiseWAR/pseuds/TurquoiseWAR
Summary: I just want it to stop! Please, just stop.. Stop. Stop. Stop! Stop! STOP!! Evan grasped at his hair, tears streaming down his cheeks. All of this pain and suffering was intolerable. He just wanted it all to end. He was sorry. Sorry he ever lied about the emails. Sorry he lied to Zoe and their family. Sorry he ever opened his mouth. Sorry he even existed. Sorry he was just a stupid, fucking liar who couldn't shut their goddamn mouth. Choking back sobs, he curled in on himself. Yet, here he still was. Still living and breathing, when Connor should be alive. Not him. It should've been him, who died..





	If Only It Was Me...

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably one of the only times I've written a story about suicide. I apologize if it's terrible.. I'm not really sure if this turned out well or not. In all honesty, I hope you guys like it and I might make another part?? I don't know. (Also, I haven't seen stories with Evan Hansen committing suicide after the lying. In all honesty, I thought it would be interesting to have a story like that, so, here it is.)

   I just want it to stop! Please, just stop.. _Stop. Stop. Stop! **Stop! STOP!!**_ Evan grasped at his hair, tears streaming down his cheeks. All of this pain and suffering was intolerable. He just wanted it all to end. He was sorry. Sorry he ever lied about the emails. Sorry he lied to Zoe and their family. Sorry he ever opened his mouth. Sorry he even existed. Sorry he was just a stupid, fucking liar who couldn't shut their goddamn mouth. Choking back sobs, he curled in on himself. Yet, here he still was. Still living and breathing, when Connor should be alive. Not him. It should've been _him, who died.._  
   Now, it was too late. Everyone hated him and he couldn't do anything about it. Heh, he never could do anything right. No wonder his father left him.. His mom shouldn't have to worry about him. Not a single person should. All he is, is a waste of space. At least with Connor here, everyone would be happy. But, god forbid, he had to be the one. God, if only he could've died in his place. Maybe Zoe and him would be closer. His mother wouldn't have to suffer because of his existence. Hell, maybe Jared and Alana would be happier without him.  
   As all of these thoughts came to mind, he curled up in his bed. It would usually feel warm and cozy.. Now, it felt unforgiving and uncomfortable as a pit formed in his stomach. A feeling of regret settled in him as he released quiet cries. All of these feelings, the hate, the letters, Connor's death, and even the lies.. They all swirled around his head. His body felt like he was in a void. A void filled to the brim with emotion, which left his body stinging. It all stung...  
   Shaking, Evan felt like the sand on a beach. Tidal wave after tidal wave smashed against him, keeping him from getting back up. Leaving a cold, sopping wet mess on the shore. Suddenly, a thought came to mind. A far-too morbid thought. If he prayed hard enough, would he be able to take Connor's place? By killing himself, would Connor be given a second chance at living? To have a chance at a better life. One where Hansen was completely out of the picture. It sounded idiotic at first, but slowly became more convincing.  
   With tears continuously falling from his face, he stood up. On shaky legs, he went downstairs. Without thinking it through too much, he went to the kitchen and found a pen with a piece of paper. Before he could back out, a letter slowly became constructed. Upon finishing the note, he folded it and placed it on the counter. Nodding to himself, he gave a broken smile. This was all for the best.. Right? Besides, it's not like anyone would miss him. Who would miss such a _terrible_ person? Sighing quietly to himself, he made his way to the front door.  
   A plan was already set in his stone within his mind. It was simple, really. Find some rope, tie it to a tree, and well, you get the gist.. Huffing under his breath, Evan turned on his heel to find the rope. After searching through the entire house, he found some. It was rough and would definitely burn.. Perfect. The male didn't deserve the easy way out, anyway. Within moments, he was out of the house, shutting the door behind him. With rope in hand, he made his way to the closest park. Thank god it was dark out, he didn't want anyone to stop him..  
   Ten, long minutes later, he arrived at the park. Walking down the beaten path, a rush of emotions went through him at the view. There was a beautiful sunrise, over the horizon. The sun was perfectly framed by the mountains and faraway trees. It was truly beautiful. Too bad he couldn't enjoy it for longer... Glancing around, he looked for a tree that would be perfect. Ensuing, an oak tree came into view. It wasn't too tall, but not too short either. An alluring size and magnificent shade.. The best way to go out.  
   Moving towards the oak tree, his non-broken hand brushed over its bark. On other occasions, he would marvel in the tree's beauty. Except, it wasn't that type of occasion. Releasing a sigh, he stood on one of the roots peaking out of the ground. This allowed him access to the lowest branch. Wrapping it around the branch one-handed, Hansen eventually succeeded in tying it to the wood. Glancing down at the rest of the rope, tears brimmed his eyes. This was really happening. He was actually going to follow through with this. Hesitantly now, he tied the rope into a noose. Looking up, he eyed the sunrise that now appeared to be a shade of orange and pink. Now that he thought about it, this would be a great way to go out.  
   Hands shaking, he brought the rope around his neck. Making sure it was tight, he observed the sky above. Still feeling liquid staining his cheeks, his voice cut through the air, "Please, if there is anyone up there.. Take me instead of Connor. He deserves to live more than me. I have done something terrible and I deserve to be dead, not him.. Never him. So, please, spare Connor.." Little did Evan know, a certain long-haired male was trying to stop him. Instead of flesh and bone, it was a specter. He couldn't believe the kid was going to do this. There's no way it'd work. He'd just be wasting his life for a dumb wish. Unfortunately, it was too late.  
   Evan Hansen stepped off the protruding root.. Now, he gasped for air as his body seemed to go into shock. His air circulation was now cut off and he felt panic rush through him. He no longer wanted to die. He wanted to live. Clawing at the rope, it was no use. He couldn't do anything to stop it. Slowly but surely, he started to lose consciousness. Thereafter, his vision blurred as voices could be heard in the distance. Abruptly, everything went black...


End file.
